Life Lessons
by I am The Lev
Summary: Lessons to live by, from the warped mind of Vaysey, Sheriff of Nottingham.


Lesson One: Women are Lepers

**Lesson One: Women are Lepers**

"Vaysey!" The seventeen year old winced at the upwards inflection of his aunt's call. How was it that she always hit that particular note that made him want to pierce his eardrum with a stick? He sighed and rolled out of bed seconds before his aunt bustled into the room, forcing the curtains open.

"Oh, Vaysey, do get up! It's a bright, new day! Your mother says that we're going to market. She wants you to wear that darling outfit that we bought you the other day.

He wrinkled his nose in distaste, glancing at the ridiculous outfit that his aunt and mother had purchased for him. It was a frilly, white monstrosity, so feminine that it was practically a dress.

"I'm not wearing that," he protested, crossing his arms over his chest. His aunt smiled that big, stupid smile of hers, ruffling his hair as she swept out of the room.

"Don't be silly, Vaysey. You'll look simply fabulous." With that, she closed the door behind her, leaving the agitated teenager with the horrible outfit.

"I don't want to look fabulous; I want to look like a man," Vaysey grumbled, slipping out of his bedclothes. The way his aunt and mother carried on, it was no wonder that his father spent all of his time abroad. Vaysey dressed in the stupid outfit, catching his reflection in the pane of glass by his bed.

"Fabulous," he muttered, mimicking his aunt. "A clue: no." Still, he knew that if he didn't wear the outfit, his mother and his aunt would kick up a terrible fuss. They might even cry, and that was something that he just didn't want to deal with.

"Vaysey!" his mother chirped as soon as he got out of the door. "You look simply precious!" Vaysey suspected that at some point, he'd enjoyed his mother's doting, but it was becoming unbearable as of late.

He kept his head down as they picked their way through the market. If any of his friends saw him, he'd never hear the end of it. More importantly, he didn't want his manly image tarnished in the eyes of a certain someone.

"Vaysey?" a sweet voice asked. He stopped, turning on heel to face the speaker.

"Hello, Ophelia," he greeted in the most confident air he could muster, puffing his chest out.

"What are you wearing?" she asked, and he felt his chest deflate as he stuttered, trying to explain his ridiculous outfit and his ridiculous mother and his ridiculous aunt. Ophelia put a hand over her mouth, giggling.

Until that moment, Vaysey had been of the impression that Ophelia was a lovely girl, with her soft, flaxen hair and angelic blue eyes. In that moment, however, when his ears happened to pick up on the high-pitched, grating laughter issuing from her mouth, he made a very important discovery.

"It's not just my mother and aunt," he whispered, striding away from Ophelia and her annoying laugh. "It's all women. They're all the same."

This conclusion was, of course, ridiculous, but it made perfect sense to Vaysey. He'd been surrounded by women of class for his whole life. All they cared about were clothes and gossip and how cute things were. In his mind, it just occurred to him that that's how women acted.

"Well, I'm never getting married," he promised himself, cringing at the sound of his mother calling him.

_V-a-y-s-e-y_

"And that's when it hit me," Vaysey explained. "Women are like lepers." The kitchen boy sniggered as he scrubbed at the floor.

"Not being funny, Vays," he piped up, "But don't you have to get married and produce an heir and all that?"

"A clue: no," Vaysey replied, "Besides, Duncan, I have a plan."

"Yeah, and what's your plan?" Duncan asked, finishing his work and tossing the brush he'd been using into a bucket full of water.

"Power," Vaysey answered simply. "People only get married and produce heirs to secure power. If I can get the power first, then I wouldn't need to get married."

"How're you going to get power? You're a little mama's boy. Everyone knows that," Duncan pointed out with a crooked grin.

"Well, we'll have to fix that, now won't we?" Vaysey hissed. "Mark my words, Duncan Faulkner. One day, I'm going to be the most powerful man in England!"

_V-a-y-s-e-y_

I'm pretty sure that someone requested this a long time ago. This is basically a series of oneshots that depicts how Vaysey became the way he is. Something of a mini-biography, if you will.

Hope you enjoy! Please review!


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